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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
