Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
