This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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