I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
