You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
