There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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