and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
