Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
