i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
