If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
There's always time for handjobs
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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