somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
