I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
