I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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