Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
