I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
