Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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