I must be too annoying 4 u.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
