he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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