I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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