It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
