Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
