Plan B is the new Plan A
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
