Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize