oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize