He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
