I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
