the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize