I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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