we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
