Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
