Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I need to calm my uterus...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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