Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Mom said you looked used
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
