I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
