OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
