i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
