Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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