kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
