WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
