now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
