I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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