She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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