I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
