you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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