i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize