I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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