What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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