i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
