every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
