i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
