What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
