ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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