Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Too much gin, very little bucket
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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