"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize