He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
