eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
